Gall Bladder Fail

Perhaps you missed last nights warning, but for some of you who are just now tuning in, tonight's story is not for the faint of heart, or gut. The tale I am about to divulge has not been altered in any way from the reality of what took place one fateful night. Let me set the stage.

Holly and I had enjoyed a nice, quiet dinner at Wings in Patton Creek. The food was fantastic and the atmosphere as always, was quite festive. Holly mentioned that she would enjoy a nice stroll around the local Toyota dealership, and ever the giving person, I politely obliged. Had I known what lay a-brewing I would have promptly ushered her to the car and we would have driven home as speedily as possible. This night, however, I would not be so lucky. Upon arrival at the dealership I felt this familiar gurgle in the deep recesses of my gastrointestinal region. I knew what was going to happen, it was just a matter of time. I told her to go ahead, I wanted to sit in the car because my stomach didn't feel right. She said, "Do we need to go?" "URGENTLY" I thought, but "No I'm ok, you go ahead and look" is all that came out of my mouth. Five minutes passed and the onset began. I put my feet up, I turned on my side, I laid back, but no position provided comfort. I could take no more. I got out of the car, and could see Holly on the other end of the parking lot. Two joyous couples were lazily strolling around hand in hand. They seemed so content and peaceful, until I shouted, "WE NEED TO GO!"

Holly could not have walked back fast enough. As she approached the car, she said, "Are you ok?" "I tend not to cause a scene in public when I'm doing ok. Please just drive home, and fast." As we got on I-459 the pain really hit. The kind you can't avoid. My intestines screamed out, "RELEASE OR ELSE!" Cold sweats. Discomfort. I speedily undid my belt and pants to relieve some pressure, but nothing helped. I cut the A/C on high and every vent in the car was pointed at me with my feet on the dash. "I'm not going to make it home." "What do you want me to do?" Holly asked. I instructed her to get off at 119 and make her way to the Racetrac. In my mind, I thought they would have the least dirty bathrooms, but at that point, the cleanliness began to concern me less and less. My friends I tell you a great truth in life. No person should ever consider going to the bathroom in their pants just to get some relief. But there, on that ironically beautiful night, I pondered, "If I just go, there will be a massive clean up effort, but at least the pain will be gone."

As we approached the gas station, I feared the worst. Holly did not get the car in park before I jumped up and ran into the building one hand on my pants holding them up. I was completely undignified, and unashamed as I barreled through the store. When I got in the bathroom I reached to clasp the door, but the lock was broken. "Oh no! There can be no witnesses to this crime!" I speedily moved back into the hallway and with a finger pointed at the door to the girls bathroom I yelled at the man behind the counter, "Is there a lock on this door?" "Is there some..." "IS THERE A LOCK ON THIS DOOR?!?!" I interrupted. He nodded and I exploded in the door...to the shock of the 70 year old woman currently using the facilities. (Not really. I made this part up, but what an ending that would have been.) I slammed the door behind me and fastened the lock. The events that came next I can not begin to describe in mere human terms, nor would you want me to. Allow me only to say that what I did in that place was a SIN. There's no two ways about it. It's the only way I know to describe it, sin. 

As I left that place I didn't look at anyone in the face. I had desecrated their porcelain throne room, and they knew it. I got back in the car and we sped away never to be seen again. From time to time I pass by that fine establishment on warm spring days filled with peace in my belly and with a wry smile tip my hat in gratitude for the now fond memories of once uglier times. I'm not proud of these events, but relay them only to let you know that this illness is not so funny as to be casually joked about on Facebook statuses by unsuffering minions who know the Ractrac as only the place to get cheap gas.

Look Away

Seriously, just turn away and read no further. I do not know why I post this, but here goes. I have stomach issues. I have had them ever since I had a horrible case of Mono after my freshman year of college. At that time, my body was producing too much bile and I've had problems with my stomach or gall bladder ever since. If I eat pizza, lettuce, butter, wings, etc. I will hate life about 8 hours later. Until now I've been able to deal with it, but it is getting out of control.

Holly had a friend who just had her gall bladder removed this week. They were discussing the symptoms over Facebook when Holly mistakenly posted this as her status instead of a wall post to her friend: "He has an attack probably once or twice (sometimes more) a month. Pizza definitely does him in! He has cold sweats and lots of pain. It usually happens between 4 to 6 hours after he ate whatever sets it off." And oh how the comments poured in on this one. Laughter seemed to be a common theme among all those who chimed in.

Well laugh it up buddies! I'll show you! Tomorrow night I'm going to relay one such story of pain and agony due to gastrointestinal failure that will forever change your life. I make no apologies for the dichotomy that exists here at Pertaining to All Things Robertesque. In fact, what did you think "All Things" meant? Only spiritual? Only serious? Oh no, I relate stories about my kids pooping in the tub right next to a discourse on faith. That's just how I roll, or role. So anyway, I warn you now that if you are weak at the stomach (like me) look away tomorrow. I'm going to unleash a true tale of just one episode when my malfunctioning gall bladder went haywire, and I annihilated a local convenience store wash room. We'll see who's laughing then. Hasta mañana.

The Fringes of Two

Trey is almost 22 months old, and has already begun the infamous terrible two syndrome. For the most part he's a pretty awesome little kid, and doesn't give us too much trouble. There are, however, the few times when he really kicks things into gear to make us truly grateful for his "seasons" of obedience. Trey has a lot of personality, and is extremely smart. Tonight we learned that he knows how to cover up things that he has done wrong.

Holly and I were getting ready for a meeting tonight while Trey and Claire Kate entertained themselves in the bedroom. The Wild Man was tickling Sister when I wandered into the closet. After a minute or two, I could hear Holly in her "I'm trying to be stern and not laugh where Trey can see me" voice. I asked what happened and Holly relayed that Trey had used his baby sister and a pillow as a ladder to climb up higher on the bed. When his feet became firmly planted in her stomach and chest, she began to cry. Trey was unfazed by her tears until he heard mom's footsteps coming to check on them. At this point he quickly jumped off of her and stuck her pacifier in her mouth to cover up the fact that he did it. 

Yeah, this should be fun in the years to come. He's not even 2 yet!

Tell Something on Your Spouse

Holly, my wife has CRAZY dreams if she eats pickles. Tonight at dinner, she had one. Tomorrow morning should make for some good stories.

Leave a comment sharing an oddity of your significant other...

Is In Panama

If I have a chance to blog I will, but don't count on it in the jungle. If not I'll see you in a week!

Yummy

Most people know that I have a pretty weak stomach. I always thought that I would be better when I had kids, but not much has changed. My gag reflex is pretty immediate upon something that looks or smells pretty gross. Kids tend to manufacture these smells and displays of grossness on a daily basis.

Anyway, tonight after church Holly and I took the kids to a carnival at the church where Holly grew up. When I got there I was starving, so it didn't take me long to find the food line for some delicious BBQ. I had a pork plate with some delicious slaw and baked beans. The sweet tea was awesome and I even scored a bag of Fritos. I was doing alright!

Trey got a bag of Doritos (possibly his favorite chip) and began to chow down while sitting in my lap. He loves chips, but often tries to swallow them before they have been properly chewed. Tonight was no exception. As he was sitting in my lap, he became choked on a chip that he inhaled. I had the last bite of my sandwich in my right hand, and had my left hand around Trey holding him, when his choke turned to a gag. Then it happened. He, um, purged. Out of instinct I caught it in my left hand. All of his dinner and chips lay in an orange liquid in my hand. Insert my gag sound here. I poured out my hand onto my plate, speedily handed Trey to Holly, and ran into the kitchen to wash my hand. I did not puke! 

I suppose that being a father really has helped my guttural weakness after all!

Why I love Daylight Savings Time

I know there are many naysayers out there who HATE the time change, but I'm a fan. I like during the Summer when it doesn't get good and dark until 8 pm. I'm not a morning person, so I don't really care what time the sun rises. I also like the time change because we use less energy in our house, and thus lower electrical bills. More daylight=less lights.

Do you have a time preference?