Tuesday, April 28, 2009


Last Saturday night Holly and I were hanging out with some friends of ours named Greg and Lisa. We like them. They are cool. 

It was during a very heated game of Spades (which Greg and I dominated), that the aforementioned Mr. Harper alluded to the fact that he recently began tracing his family lineage. This has always intrigued me, but I've never gotten too involved in the necessary actions to actually do a family tree. After we got finished destroying Holly and Lisa, Greg showed me ancestry.com. This was around 10 pm. At 2:30 am I had traced my Grandmother's maiden line back to 1279 in England. 1279. Unbelievable. That's like during the time of the Crusades. A contemporary of Genghis Khan (almost). It was before the Black Plague. America had not even been found, and would not be for another 220 years! I met some of my forerunners. They were an interesting bunch. The Hope family has had it's share of escaped convicts, aristocracy, and loons. 

Perhaps the thing that struck me the most while sifting through all of that history was how small I am. One in the midst of multitudes who were before me. The way that different families came together and produced offspring, that most of the time found a wife from a different family, to produce more offspring for generations and generations began to blow my mind. It is a miracle that I'm even here! I haven't been able to get over that feeling of smallness since that time. In the grand scheme of things, I'm quite insignificant. On the other hand, God is rather big... and long lasting. I wonder perchance if this is one of the reasons that lineages are mentioned in Scripture. To remind that generation in Israel that they were no big deal. God has been doing this for a while, and as much as we want to think that the world revolves around us, we are not the end all, or the pinnacle. Just another name in the line. 

Monday, April 27, 2009

Whatever Happened to Fortune Cookies?

"Leadership is an action. Not a position."

This was the "fortune" out of my fortune cookie. Dear friends this is not a fortune. It's a proverb. There's a difference. I don't want proverb cookies. I want free, stale tasting, non-sweet fortune cookies. You know, the ones with the lucky numbers on the back, and if your in real high cotton, the ones that teach you a Chinese word.

One of the previous fortune cookies I got said, "Please disregard your last fortune cookie." Seriously?!?!

Friends, it's time we take a united stand against proverb cookies! They are shameful imitations of a once treasured treat in many subpar chinese restaurants around this great land. I for one can take no more. Who's with me?

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Bizarre Choices Part 4

Here's another bizarre choice from Zobmondo's Book of Bizarre Choices. Which would you pick?

Would you rather:

Always have to wear wet socks?


Always have to wear wet underwear?

Monday, April 20, 2009

The Zoo: Honey Hide the Kid's Eyes!

Saturday we went to the Montgomery zoo, which, by the way beats the pants off of the Birmingham zoo. We were having a lovely time when we passed the monkey exhibit. They were lounging around looking at us as we were looking at them. It was quite awkward. Many of you know how I feel about animals, but monkeys are a step weirder because they are similar to humans. They have hands like us, and a striking resemblance to that distant cousin that lives in Shelby. You know what I'm talking about. 

I like the small monkeys. The tiny ones are really cute until they throw their little doo doo balls at you. The big ones are not so nice. How about this one? He's a BAD monkey. He exposed himself to all the passersby, some of which were children. Parents covered their kids eyes as they laughed that embarrassed, awkward laugh on their way to see the white tigers, who coincidentally do NOT have opposable thumbs.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Gallbladder Non-Update

Would have posted this yesterday, but youtube just published the video. Enjoy!

Monday, April 13, 2009

Easter baskets

This was my Easter basket last year. Do you notice anything that you would not typically see in an Easter basket? How about the Hall's cough drops? Perhaps it would be beneficial to mention that I had no cough or medicinal need for them when I got this gift last year. I don't mean to seem ungrateful, one just never expects to receive cough drops in their Easter basket, unless of course they need it, which I didn't. 

I gave my mom such grief over it this year that I anticipated getting some again, but I did not. It almost didn't even seem like Easter without their cooling, mentholated comfort. This year I got some good candy and the new U2 cd. 

Two questions: 1. What did you get for Easter? 2. When did your parents stop giving you an Easter basket?

Friday, April 10, 2009

Potty Training

Hey parents, what age do kids normally begin potty training?

Trey is 22 months, and has gone number 2 twice this week in the potty. I'm not sure if it's just because of the m&m's he gets for going in the potty or if he's ready. Being our first, I'm not real sure how all of this works.

Leave me a comment with some help, and I apologize for all the bathroom stories this week.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Gall Bladder Fail

Perhaps you missed last nights warning, but for some of you who are just now tuning in, tonight's story is not for the faint of heart, or gut. The tale I am about to divulge has not been altered in any way from the reality of what took place one fateful night. Let me set the stage.

Holly and I had enjoyed a nice, quiet dinner at Wings in Patton Creek. The food was fantastic and the atmosphere as always, was quite festive. Holly mentioned that she would enjoy a nice stroll around the local Toyota dealership, and ever the giving person, I politely obliged. Had I known what lay a-brewing I would have promptly ushered her to the car and we would have driven home as speedily as possible. This night, however, I would not be so lucky. Upon arrival at the dealership I felt this familiar gurgle in the deep recesses of my gastrointestinal region. I knew what was going to happen, it was just a matter of time. I told her to go ahead, I wanted to sit in the car because my stomach didn't feel right. She said, "Do we need to go?" "URGENTLY" I thought, but "No I'm ok, you go ahead and look" is all that came out of my mouth. Five minutes passed and the onset began. I put my feet up, I turned on my side, I laid back, but no position provided comfort. I could take no more. I got out of the car, and could see Holly on the other end of the parking lot. Two joyous couples were lazily strolling around hand in hand. They seemed so content and peaceful, until I shouted, "WE NEED TO GO!"

Holly could not have walked back fast enough. As she approached the car, she said, "Are you ok?" "I tend not to cause a scene in public when I'm doing ok. Please just drive home, and fast." As we got on I-459 the pain really hit. The kind you can't avoid. My intestines screamed out, "RELEASE OR ELSE!" Cold sweats. Discomfort. I speedily undid my belt and pants to relieve some pressure, but nothing helped. I cut the A/C on high and every vent in the car was pointed at me with my feet on the dash. "I'm not going to make it home." "What do you want me to do?" Holly asked. I instructed her to get off at 119 and make her way to the Racetrac. In my mind, I thought they would have the least dirty bathrooms, but at that point, the cleanliness began to concern me less and less. My friends I tell you a great truth in life. No person should ever consider going to the bathroom in their pants just to get some relief. But there, on that ironically beautiful night, I pondered, "If I just go, there will be a massive clean up effort, but at least the pain will be gone."

As we approached the gas station, I feared the worst. Holly did not get the car in park before I jumped up and ran into the building one hand on my pants holding them up. I was completely undignified, and unashamed as I barreled through the store. When I got in the bathroom I reached to clasp the door, but the lock was broken. "Oh no! There can be no witnesses to this crime!" I speedily moved back into the hallway and with a finger pointed at the door to the girls bathroom I yelled at the man behind the counter, "Is there a lock on this door?" "Is there some..." "IS THERE A LOCK ON THIS DOOR?!?!" I interrupted. He nodded and I exploded in the door...to the shock of the 70 year old woman currently using the facilities. (Not really. I made this part up, but what an ending that would have been.) I slammed the door behind me and fastened the lock. The events that came next I can not begin to describe in mere human terms, nor would you want me to. Allow me only to say that what I did in that place was a SIN. There's no two ways about it. It's the only way I know to describe it, sin. 

As I left that place I didn't look at anyone in the face. I had desecrated their porcelain throne room, and they knew it. I got back in the car and we sped away never to be seen again. From time to time I pass by that fine establishment on warm spring days filled with peace in my belly and with a wry smile tip my hat in gratitude for the now fond memories of once uglier times. I'm not proud of these events, but relay them only to let you know that this illness is not so funny as to be casually joked about on Facebook statuses by unsuffering minions who know the Ractrac as only the place to get cheap gas.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Look Away

Seriously, just turn away and read no further. I do not know why I post this, but here goes. I have stomach issues. I have had them ever since I had a horrible case of Mono after my freshman year of college. At that time, my body was producing too much bile and I've had problems with my stomach or gall bladder ever since. If I eat pizza, lettuce, butter, wings, etc. I will hate life about 8 hours later. Until now I've been able to deal with it, but it is getting out of control.

Holly had a friend who just had her gall bladder removed this week. They were discussing the symptoms over Facebook when Holly mistakenly posted this as her status instead of a wall post to her friend: "He has an attack probably once or twice (sometimes more) a month. Pizza definitely does him in! He has cold sweats and lots of pain. It usually happens between 4 to 6 hours after he ate whatever sets it off." And oh how the comments poured in on this one. Laughter seemed to be a common theme among all those who chimed in.

Well laugh it up buddies! I'll show you! Tomorrow night I'm going to relay one such story of pain and agony due to gastrointestinal failure that will forever change your life. I make no apologies for the dichotomy that exists here at Pertaining to All Things Robertesque. In fact, what did you think "All Things" meant? Only spiritual? Only serious? Oh no, I relate stories about my kids pooping in the tub right next to a discourse on faith. That's just how I roll, or role. So anyway, I warn you now that if you are weak at the stomach (like me) look away tomorrow. I'm going to unleash a true tale of just one episode when my malfunctioning gall bladder went haywire, and I annihilated a local convenience store wash room. We'll see who's laughing then. Hasta maƱana.

Monday, April 6, 2009

The Fringes of Two

Trey is almost 22 months old, and has already begun the infamous terrible two syndrome. For the most part he's a pretty awesome little kid, and doesn't give us too much trouble. There are, however, the few times when he really kicks things into gear to make us truly grateful for his "seasons" of obedience. Trey has a lot of personality, and is extremely smart. Tonight we learned that he knows how to cover up things that he has done wrong.

Holly and I were getting ready for a meeting tonight while Trey and Claire Kate entertained themselves in the bedroom. The Wild Man was tickling Sister when I wandered into the closet. After a minute or two, I could hear Holly in her "I'm trying to be stern and not laugh where Trey can see me" voice. I asked what happened and Holly relayed that Trey had used his baby sister and a pillow as a ladder to climb up higher on the bed. When his feet became firmly planted in her stomach and chest, she began to cry. Trey was unfazed by her tears until he heard mom's footsteps coming to check on them. At this point he quickly jumped off of her and stuck her pacifier in her mouth to cover up the fact that he did it. 

Yeah, this should be fun in the years to come. He's not even 2 yet!

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Tell Something on Your Spouse

Holly, my wife has CRAZY dreams if she eats pickles. Tonight at dinner, she had one. Tomorrow morning should make for some good stories.

Leave a comment sharing an oddity of your significant other...